Test Results

Anyone who knew me during my undergraduate degree knows how seriously I take tests. Ask my mother, she received weepy phone calls every exam period. Ask my husband, he had to listen to my panic, over-prepare, and then convince myself that I had failed. Preparing for a POAS result is both better and worse.
In this case it was better because, most importantly, I did not know if C had done the test or not. I cannot panic about something that I do know know is happening (yet). I also knew that we had both done everything we possible could to be prepared for the embryo transfer and if nothing else, I have learned that there is no way to predict or control what is going to happen in this life. On the other hand, we had just invested thousands of dollars, time, tears, and emotional baggage; the result of this test mattered far more. 
I had told C that she was 'allowed' to test, but I did not know when, or if, she would test before the blood work. Here is how I remember it: the following evening, just under 24 hours later, C sent me a text message asking if we could chat by phone. Perhaps indicative of my pessimism or fear, but I did not react with the assumption that she had tested. I thought she might have a question about reimbursement. Or a problem with the medications. Or an update in general. I actually told her that we were making dinner, but I could chat for a moment (always trying to put my family first, but also, not wanting to ever put her off). To my shock, she was phoning with test results. She explained that she had been thrilled to receive 'permission' and tested right away last night. She then said that she did not want to share results that might be too early, and so had tested again this morning. (Again, how amazingly thoughtful is she? She knows how scary all of this is for me, and how apprehensive I was about POAS, so she did her best to be sure). She told me that she had a bfp. She was pregnant. I could not believe it. I can still feel the rush in the pit of my stomach and my heart rate increase when I think about that. I smiled. I had tears. I told Lee, who smiled and probably continued making dinner, because he is not particularly emotive. C laughed and cried with me. She was pregnant. The first round of treatment had worked. Now we just had to see HOW pregnant. We had transferred two, so how many had implanted? But also, who cares?! Thank our lucky stars she was pregnant. Our walking, talking version of hope had pulled through once again. The hope was real. She might indeed be able to bring us a baby if I could not. 
Quietly, and to my self, I decided I would test the following morning. If it was time to trust her results, than it was time to trust mine as well. The next morning I woke around 4am and had to go pee, so I snuck into the bathroom for my own POAS. I was curious, but do not recall having many expectations. I thought about when I had done this for my very first pregnancy; I had done the test around the same time of day and then crept back into bed and told Lee I was pregnant. That time had been so exciting. This time, if I was pregnant, it would be a mixed bag because I wanted to try again, but it would be scary to do so. The test did not take as long as it says it will. It quite quickly informed me that I too, was pregnant. In that moment, and the moments that followed, it was exciting. I crawled back into bed with Lee and EllaGrace. Lee's eyes were closed, but he was not asleep. He knows me too well, I suppose, and was waiting to hear the news. I whispered to him above EllaGrace's head, which lied just beside Patrick and Maggie's blankets that we sleep with, and told him I was pregnant again. He smiled and we tried to get some more rest, hopeful that we would need it in the months to come. 

xx