In reminiscing with Lee, he agreed that he
was stressed about the sudden start of treatment and my re-location to Toronto.
He told me that the hardest part for him was figuring out where I would stay. I
have family in the area, but finding somewhere that they wanted my daughter and
I, in a space and location that is feasible for me… he remembers worrying that
I would be living in a hotel room for a month. In the end it was decided to
stay with an aunt and uncle who kindly allowed us into their home even though
they were packing for an upcoming move.
I remember being nervous, not so much about
treatment itself, but about logistics. Would I be able to manage the public
transit with our daughter and myself all medicated? Would we manage nap times?
Would I be able to do all my own injections? Or, would someone be willing to
help? Really the scariest thing was that I was going to do this on my own. It
was a new clinic, a new drug protocol, new administration of drugs, new city…
and, on top of all of that, I do not always react well to the drugs. My aunt
will tell you that once I was much like a zombie, taking ages to cut cheese for
a snack. My husband will tell you that I would cry like an 8 year old because I
did not want to wake up and other times that I would experience something like
rage, but certainly cry for no reason either way. And now I would be with
family who are not so familiar with all of that. And parenting by myself. In Toronto.
I certainly did not think that this would be ideal, but it was the best I could
manage.
Lee brought our daughter and I to Toronto
on the weekend of June 21/22. He got us set up with my Aunt. We walked along
the Danforth. But, before treatment started at all, he had to leave because of
work. On Monday June 23rd 2014 I went to my first treatment
appointment. My aunt had agreed to come with EllaGrace and I, so that I would
have extra eyes when they explained the drug protocol, but the timing just happened
to coincide with another appointment she had. She kept EllaGrace busy while I
had ultrasound and blood work done and then left. Then I sat for a long chat
with the nurse who explained my drugs. In all my previous cycles, the
medication was in a small vial that was placed inside a ‘pen’ which had a small
needle and clicky button. This time, the nurse began to show me how to mix my
drugs. I remember feeling teary-eyed
when she began demonstrating how to mix the drugs. I couldn’t imagine being
able to do all of this; everything felt overwhelming. I was exhausted already -
And now this? I have to be a chemist/pharmacist too?! She then explained that
the needle goes into my back side. Again, how am I meant to do this alone? I
had only ever given myself injections in the stomach. They administered my first dose and agreed to
draw circles on my back so that I would have targets. Let the fun begin!
Lee visited on weekends or when it was
required for procedures. We were lucky to be in Toronto for World Pride, which
we attended with some aunts. I remember just waiting for his visits; it always
made such a difference. During the week I would have to return to the clinic
every 2 or 3 days. As the drugs accumulated in my system, as did the stress, I
became exhausted. I slept as long as EllaGrace did each afternoon. Traveling to
the clinic was a challenge at the beginning only because it was hot out. I
would strap EllaGrace on to my back; I walked the ~10 minutes to the subway
station and could usually get on the first train without much struggle due to
rush hour. However, it was incredibly hot. I remember feeling the sweat
dripping down my back, EllaGrace touching my skin, and feeling so tired. As
treatment progresses, the ovaries enlarge and I have to become more cautious.
As a result I had to stop wearing EllaGrace and switch over to the stroller.
This was nice for my body as I no longer felt like a sweaty pack horse carrying
her, toys, snacks, medications, notes, etc. However, it is not easy taking a
stroller on the subway towards downtown Toronto during rush hour. Moreover, it
is particularly unhelpful that not all of the subway stations are
wheelchair/stroller accessible and that the ones that are designated as such
are under construction – on several occasions I had to ask EllaGrace to walk on
the stairs while I lugged the stroller up or down. It was simply exhausting.
The other reason it was always a relief to
have Lee arrive, was that I was trying so hard to manage all of my emotions and
side effects pleasantly, as I knew that EllaGrace and I visiting my aunt and
uncle for so long was not easy on them. I noticed that while I was in their
home I was withdrawn. I spent much of my time watching shows on my laptop with
headphones or sleeping. When Lee would arrive, be present, or leave, I would
cry. It has been ,through our struggles particularly in the last year and a
half, our babies’ deaths and this treatment cycle that I have realized how much
I rely on him for all kinds of support and how lucky I am that he strives to be
so present and caring. I am lucky to have him. But, I was not lucky enough to
have him through the whole cycle! If it had been Lee and I, as usual, I know I
would have cried trying to do my medications each morning. The mixing of the
drugs never went as smoothly as it did for the nurses. I often lost drops here
and there. Then I would lose some in how I was administering the dose. I
remember trying to do it with my aunt and just wanting to cry or throw them or
something…
When all was
said and done, I took the medications for 10 days. It felt like 30. I was put
on Menopur and Bravelle in order to cause hyper stimulation in my ovaries –
essentially they want as many follicles growing in your ovaries as possible
(within safe limits). They use ultrasound the track the growth of the
follicles, there is an average size which is most likely to have a mature egg.
The drugs are often increased and decreased in dose to manipulate the growth.
Another drug, Cetrotide, is used to prevent the body from ovulating naturally.
With some women, including myself, there is a risk of Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation
Syndrome wherein the woman can become quite ill due to the treatment; I was on
a special diet to help decrease the risk of this (chips was on the list –
yay!). Then, on day 10, they use another drug, Ovidril, to trigger ovulation.
Once that is administered the eggs must be removed around the 36 hour mark. I
triggered on July 2nd 2014 and was scheduled for egg retrieval on
July 4th 2014. And, to be clear, yes, all of those are needles. And,
yes, I did feel like a pin cushion.
xx
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