Before I begin posting my story, I think I need to admit that I have been writing blog posts for a while now. I have been trying (not very successfully, I will admit) to document the journey of hope and surrogacy as it has unfolded. However, I wanted to practice some control over the information shared, to create a time delay from when others learn my story compared to when it really happened. In a sense, giving me some time to adjust to the information.
Today we are days away from October first. I am confident it will be a difficult, nearly emotionally impossible month, as I remember how pregnant I was last October. Last Thanksgiving family came to our home and we took maternity and family photos with a dear friend. Mid-October I moved to Ottawa to be closer to the hospital because I had reached viability and we thought hope might be something we could have. And as the month ended, so did the pregnancy. They were such awful days, as have been all the days since, or at the very least they have been dramatically different than I ever imagined, as have I.
Every single day since Maggie and Patrick were born and died, I think of them. Every single day I re-play conversations, moments, the sound of my own weeping and bring myself to tears, before forcing myself to focus on the present rather than the past. I am not sure how I will be able to do that as I think of October 24th and 28th approaching. It is for that reason that I think I should start sharing my story again - because my story continues to be as much about Patrick and Maggie as it is about trying to have hope in the future.
Here it goes...
xx
