The Hunt for a Surrogate

While trying to find a clinic turned out to be more trouble than we anticipated, we knew that finding someone to be a surrogate would be a whole other challenge. 

First, a bit of a law lesson (or my understanding thereof):
In Canada one cannot be compensated for being a surrogate. She can only be reimbursed costs which result directly from the treatment or pregnancy. As much as this sounds black and white, in my research I learned how gray it can be. It seems that some folks claim things like vehicle, rent and so forth, as these are important things to have when pregnant. However, I never believe that seemed to be within the spirit of the law. And, to be honest, if it was, we would never be able to afford anything. I struggled to understand how 'experienced surrogates' could require more reimbursements if it is altruistic. And how was I going to find one of the truly altruistic people? Either way, after treatment, lawyers, expenses and all the rest, Canadian agencies suggest to have $60,000+ available for your surrogacy budget.


In the United States the rules vary by state. I found many states in which a surrogate can be reimbursed and agency's suggested that Intended Parents (IPs = us) have about $150,000 in the budget. This would include the treatment, lawyer fees, reimbursements and compensation. This was difficult to learn; there seemed to be so many more women willing to be surrogates in the USA that it made me want to consider going there, but the reality is that they are available because it is profitable. The USA was out. 

Then international perhaps? My cousin told me that Torontonians are going to India and Mexico, so I did some research. After travel I was not sure that India would be any more affordable, Mexico however, would be cheaper and warm! And, safe? Not sure. Surrogacy is legal in only one state in Mexico - what if she delivers somewhere else? How do I enforce our contract in Mexico, couldn't she just steal the baby? Most people reacted apprehensively, but I stored it away in my memory - better than nothing, right? 

Canada looked like our best bet. I joined websites, forums, chat groups and Facebook groups. I gave detailed accounts of our history and vague versions. I had a few people come forward and speak to me. Timelines were at times an issue. Several people wrote to tell me that they hope to be a surrogate - but not yet/spouse is not supportive/they are moving. A couple of women had longer conversations with me, I got my hopes up, and then they would disappear. One or two family members contemplated helping us, but ultimately could not for personal reasons. 

Each time someone said no or avoided us I felt sad and scared, but always understanding. I know that it is a huge request. Then sometimes I was insensitive, one friend pointed it out to me, I had been thinking about it so much that it became obvious and second-nature for me, but most people do not think about this, let alone plan to do it. 

I told family to spread the word. I told friends to spread the word. I never asked anyone directly, I never believed that it would be a fair question. And so, my hope waxed and waned with the conversations I had with various women and agencies. 



xx