The Eye Twitch

This blog is as much about my surrogacy journey as it is about moving on after a horrific loss. And lately I have noticed that the loss is creeping up on me. Quite literally, the calendar seems to think that this Friday will mark one year since I went into labour. I can't imagine how that is possible, and yet there it is: October 24th. Our twins' birthday. Our daughter's death date. One of those days that change you forever - for good and bad - and that you will never forget. 

My family and I have been speaking about how to approach the first year anniversary of their births/deaths. How do you mark the year without the rituals provided by religion? We cannot visit a cemetery since we did not bury them. The ashes, and a small shelf with their things is in our room, but inviting family and friends to sit and weep on my bed staring at the shelf does not seem fitting. I considered placing a marker at the cemetery where they were cremated and where we said our goodbye last year, but it did not seem to create a meaningful space for us to connect with Patrick and Maggie. So, brainstorming continued.

As Lee and I contemplated, through teary-eyed dinner conversations and quiet voices in bed, I started to notice something. My body started telling me that this is harder than I am even acknowledging: the eye twitch. My left eye has been twitching for 1.5 weeks. When I wake in the morning, speaking to clients at work, in the store shopping for the anniversary... it twitches. Yet another reminder of the loss and coming days.

But, life goes on, right? Sad or twitched, I have responsibilities. Including training at work. One of my co-workers suggested that all disciplines from the health team attend a two day training, which I was happy to do. It was not until the night before that I realized, two weeks from the death anniversaries and I was about to spend two days talking about palliative care... needless to say the training was emotionally draining. (Informative, though!) And, when I escaped to my office to weep, my lovely midwife found me, reminded me to breath and helped me to re-ground. Thank goodness for her. 

We now have a plan for the twins anniversary, our own way to mark the day(s). As well as their birthday. I expect the coming week will be awful and that I will rely heavily on the presence of family and friends for support and distraction. In the meantime, my eye twitch and I will rest, practising acceptance that this is happening and is emotionally distressing, but survivable (even though it still does not feel that way).

xx