There has been some disparity between how I view myself and how others seem to see me. I see myself as invested in having children, I supposed. Sad. Perhaps, even desperate to not feel the pain I did when Maggie and Patrick died again. Maybe even a chicken? I see other women every day who choose to try again after PPROM and infant loss; they get pregnant and go through PPROM several times, and yet they continue. Those women are brave and strong. Me? I see myself as trying to avoid pain. And I see my privilege; this has enabled me to follow my fear and pay for fertility treatment at a clinic of my choosing, while also having a gestational carrier. Moreover, my privilege has allowed me to advocate to be able to do this.
To be honest, when I put all of that together, I often question myself. Was I deserving of C's generosity? Perhaps someone else deserved it more than us. Maybe C, as my own pregnancy stayed relatively uneventful, second guessed her decision to share this journey with me, rather than someone who had lost her uterus, or a same sex couple... I certainly have not seen this experience as a strength of mine.
Yet, people have commented on my perseverance and the story that I have influenced as it relates to these pregnancies. I will admit that my story seems to be rather unique in the world of surrogacy. Simultaneous transfers are uncommon. It is interesting that I am out of the ordinary in having pursued the simultaneous transfer, but again, I do not see this as speaking to my strength or other positive attributes. But others, like a friend of mine, calls me a trailblazer! Imagine that! That my pursuit of growing our family this way has demonstrated by stubborn personality traits - in a positive way, I hope.
The truth is, strong or afraid, stubborn or desperate, I am happy to be whatever, if it gives me hope.
xx
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