The Incident

When another woman is pregnant with your child, there is a strange distance from the pregnancy. I was both excited and removed. I found it to be an exercise in imagination; I had to keep reminding myself that we had another baby on the way. The opportunity to be more present and involved with the pregnancy was always welcome - to touch her growing belly, to see or feel baby move, and to attend ultrasound or midwife appointments. 

It was with some distance, and to be honest, some fear that I was too emotionally removed from the pregnancy, that I attended a midwife appointment with C around 20 weeks gestation. Her midwife, T, had a room that was made cozy with stacks of books and artwork on the walls. There was a futon with blankets and pillows positioned across from T's computer and chair. The office felt home-like and comfortable. This was my first meeting with T and as much as I was happy to attend, I also was apprehensive. What if there is no heartbeat? What if the baby or C are unwell? Always, what ifs. 

T sat down, a warm smile on her face, and said "So C, how are you? No more bleeding?". C looked like a deer in headlights, her head slowly turned towards me. I froze. My eyes stuck wide open and staring at C for an explanation. Everything became slow motion. C was immediately reassuring me and although I could hear her, my body was still filling with a paralyzing fear. I realized I was not breathing. I gasped for air, burst into tears, and had to focus so as to not become caught up in hyperventilating. C reassured me that it had been a minute amount of blood, only one morning, and that she had attend the hospital and had an ultrasound to ensure the baby was healthy and safe. She explained that she had not wanted to scare me without due cause and so had not told me when the bleeding occurred. She explained that everything was determined to be fine and so she did not tell me about it. I could hear her and I was slowly processing that the baby was fine. I could also hear myself thinking that she is supposed to be the 'sure thing', the 'safe' pregnancy, hope. It did not matter that I had not been told and it did not actually matter that it had been a false alarm. I was terrified. And in that moment, I knew. I might be physically removed from the pregnancy but I was definitely emotionally invested. We then listened to the baby's beautiful, happy heart beat and I cried. I cried in relief and love.

After the appointment C asked that we speak quietly. She expressed her concern that I might be angry or upset that I had not been informed about the bleeding. I share this part of the story because it is yet another testament to C's kind heart. She had not told me out of consideration or protection. She wanted to address any potential tension between us. Perhaps I should have been angry. I do not believe there should be secrets relating to my baby. However, in all honesty, I was not angry. Even in speaking with a friend afterwards during which I indicated that I would not want it to happen again, I said it with a sense of ambivalence. I believe that above all else, I was thankful that C had taken all steps to ensure the baby was safe and healthy. It is what it is. 

xx